Tonight, I realized something kinda awesome about my wants and needs. As I was waiting to clock, in all of my post-makeup glory, a gentleman began hitting on me. This went on for some time, with him telling me stories about himself, making me feel his biceps (yes he was this forward), and so on. He was attractive, tall, and of course straight. I should be over the moon about this attention right?
But I wasn’t.
Now, I know I’m a pretty girl, but I felt that it was my femaleness that attracted him to me. And that’s just it. He wanted my attention because I was female. Then the question popped into my head. (And forgive me, for this next sentence shall be a bold one.) “Do you want to fuck him?” My immediate answer? “No.” “But why not?” my head exclaimed, “he’s your type and everything you’ve wanted before.”
But I want so much more now.
And, quite frankly, that thought terrified me.
Due to the way he was acting towards me, he was immediately placed in the sexual part of my brain. What if this is all I get from men? Treatment of a sexual nature? Is that all there is? Well I want more. Is that too much to ask? And I don’t ask that in a whiny, woe-is-me type way. I ask that genuinely, because I’m afraid that IS too much to ask. He was too forward with me. I used to fawn over guys that were forward. Since when do I reject male attention? Since when do I have the clarity of mind to recognize a sexual advancement in the midst of said advancement? Since when do I scoff at an attractive male’s attentions.
I grew up. At some point in the past year and a half, I grew up.
He made me feel average. And this is something that I am not. I want to be made to feel extraordinary.
Again, too much to ask?
But then I remembered something that took me a long time to learn. Never let anyone make you feel inferior. Especially yourself. So no, it’s not too much to ask.
I am not average.
I am not something to be used and tossed away.
I am awkward and pretty and quiet and too loud all at the same time.
And I don’t want to fuck you.
I want you to want to hear my opinion.
I want you to want to surprise me.
I want you to want to know my name.
And above all, I want to feel appreciated.
So, to wait on something that may never come? Or to jump at something that is a common occurrence?
Well, I’ve never been common.
And that, is kinda awesome.